[Author’s note: We have a long, time honored tradition of political satire in America – and I espouse a personal belief that if you don’t laugh, you’re gonna cry! My strong disapproval of Charlottesville City Council and the poor performance of most of its elected councilors has been made well-known in public for years now. So, it should come as no surprise that I am constantly on the lookout for better candidates. In particular, I am sick and tired of the political death grip held in Charlottesville by the Democrat Party – and while there are a couple of non-Democrat alternatives on this year’s ballot with Alvin “Scott” Bandy and Anson Parker – I am inspired to offer yet another option.]
On August 31, I was reading the local daily newspaper online – and I was suddenly gobsmacked by an article entitled; “Love Butt finds permanent home at Ix Art Park”.
The accompanying photo of a 1,600 pound, caucasian gluteus maximus with the left cheek tattooed by a red heart with the word “Butt” emblazoned on it, quickened my eyes to read on.
Driven on a flatbed truck, it made a journey from Los Angeles to New York which was filmed for the pilot episode of a tentative new series for Comedy Central. Somehow, the comedian driving the truck contacted staff at the Ix Art Park, saying he needed a place to park it overnight while in the area.
Then something miraculous happened.
At the wrap of the pilot episode, per mutual agreement of the comedian and the art park staff, the comedian delivers Love Butt to its new, permanent home…in the IX Art Park.
That’s right, folks — out of all the hundreds of cities and towns located between Los Angeles and New York, and including the East Coast, Thomas Jefferson’s Charlottesville was deemed the ideal spot for Love Butt.
BUT….Is that all there is?
Soon thereafter, I personally drove to the Ix Art Park to see Love Butt for myself. It was a cordial meeting and it confided in me (its gender is not evident and I was too polite to ask) that for the short time it has been here, Love Butt has come to love Charlottesville – and it wants to do its civic duty.
Therefore, after much deliberation and soul searching – and with my help as coordinator and spokesperson – I am pleased to announce, in an exclusive to “The Schilling Show”, that Love Butt declares itself a write-in candidate for election to the Charlottesville City Council on September 3! If elected, it will serve.
In consultation with Love Butt, we wish to offer you the following items to consider as you assess its sincerity, qualifications, and suitability for City Council:
- When I explained to Love Butt that Charlottesville is dominated by Democrats, it could barely keep from laughing its ass off.
- Depending on your political perspective, Love Butt can be seen as mostly on the Left or mostly on the Right. But in truth, Love Butt is split right down the middle.
- For the Progressives, Love Butt will lean forward. However, to reassure the Conservatives, it won’t promise them the moon.
- But make no mistake, Love Butt is not running for the status quo. It’s not blowing smoke, but it does plan to churn the political winds.
- While some may say this wouldn’t be the first time we had a giant ass on City Council, it is safe to say that Love Butt will not look out of place on the dais. It’s a natural fit. In fact, Love Butt offers greater dimensions than most.
- This election, there are three open seats on City Council. Love Butt could fill at least two of them (but it pledges to put down a towel first).
- Love Butt promises to get to the bottom of corruption in City Hall and wipe it clean.
- Love Butt doesn’t put on airs. As a humble servant of the people, it will never view its seat on Council as a throne.
- Love Butt will not lead from behind. On the train of local progress, it wants to be known as the “engine” rather than the “caboose”.
- To those who would ride Love Butt’s coattails, a word of warning — don’t follow too closely behind.
- It doesn’t have any skeletons in its closet, but remember that none of us is perfect. It is fair to say that Love Butt has a little junk in the trunk.
- Love Butt is not now nor has it ever been sheltered. One could say it’s enjoyed a lot of national exposure across America. Despite its current address, Love Butt is not just another bum living in a park.
- And if you’re concerned about transparency, rest assured. Love Butt has nothing to hide. It’s all out there for everyone to see.
In conclusion, if its opponents try to make it the butt of a joke, Love Butt will practice civil discourse and simply turn the other cheek.
We anticipate the Love Butt movement will result in a landslide! With your support, Love Butt will spank the competition. It is literally putting its butt on the line for the sake of a better Charlottesville.
On September 3, cast your vote where the sun don’t shine. Get your backside to the polls and write-in “Love Butt” for City Council!
LOL! Quite cheeky of you, Carole.
the go party endorses the love butt's candidacy, and would like to consider a co-run
#5 is my favorite. Nicely done.